Iss Been a Busy One...

Today I 'as had de mos' busy day Iz ebew had in all mee seben yeaws. Iss bawely beliebable.

Da day stawted wiff da Buttew Heist Incidents. Mee cannot go into too much details hewe until de indiwual's family habs been notified. But dere was a fatality. A buttew-fatality. Pwease click on de link fow mowe details:

Den mee went to da gwoomews wiff Mummee and da weceptionist dere has a Beagle dat comes to wowk wiff hew, so weez said hi to eachudda. Weez twied to get a foto wiff hew in focus but sheez was faw too intewested in sniffin meez botty. Iss a nice botty dough, weez can no blame hew.

 
Whilst I was at de gwoomews, Mudda went to da flowew shop to buy some flowews fow meez Gwan (Daddee's Mudda) and dere was two bewy fat men-flowists dere. Whilst dey was mayking up da bouquet, dey was singing songs fwom Moosicals, until dey boff got cawwied away and ended wabing dey hands in de aiw, one ob dem on a chaiw, sewenading mudda wiff "I Dweamed A Dweam" fwom Les Misewablés (pwonounced "Lay Mis-err-rar-blay"...unless yoos mee Daddeez, den iss pwonounced "Lez (like Lesley) Mis-rab-bulls"....Les Miserables, hewe to fix yoos leaky taps!!! Meez Daddeez iss a funnee man...:-/).

Anyway, aftew dey had finished da singin', dey mayde quite a nice flowew-fing:

Den Mudda came and fetched meez and Iz was soopew-fluffee and bouffants: 
 

Den weez got da bus home and mee got fussed by an old laydee and some men from Da Chuwch Ob Mowmon (dey was all weawing matching clothes and dey had name badges on). Mudda told dem Iz was goin to da Willows and about meez poowly eye and da Mowmon-men did a pwayew fow mee and meez poowly eye!!! On da bus!!! It was fwuity-loops!!!

Weez got home and den weez dwobe to Biwminghams to da eye speshulist and sheez sed mee eye iss much beddew, da wedness is neawly all gone and dey blistews iss ALL GONE!!!

Hewe iss a foto ob meez eye, pwease ignowe da haiw on meez eyeball!!
Dis it now:

Dis it befowe:
 

Aftew meez appointment, while mudda was signin' de fowms at de weception, a man comes up and asks meez Gwan-in-law if dey can film us whilst weez sat waitin fow Mudda!!! Mee too!!!

Gwan said yes, so dey did a liddle intewvoo wiff hew and mee, fow a pilot fow a show dat might bee on da BBCs!!!!

Dey asked Gwan some questions and Iz sat dere lookin like a film-staw, except Iz was excited, so Iz dwibbled a bit and meez lipstick came owt. Jus' like Bwad Pitts and Johnny Depps when deys intewvooed. Unfowtunately, Mudda was too excited to tayke fotos, but if da show goes on da telly, mee won't need hew as mee fotogwaphew, da pappywazzi will catch meez ebewy mobe.

Aftew all dis excitements, Iz was mowe den weady to goo home and when Iz finally got back, Mudda suwpwised meez wiff dis toy fow being such a good boy today (except fow da Buttew Incident)...and because shee no want meez to fowget hew when meez famous...
 

It was a bewy busy day.

EXTWA!! EXTWA!! WEAD ALL ABOUT IT!!! BUTTEW HEIST AT NOON!!!

Da back stowy:

Mudda and Daddee put buttew on dey toasts and dey cwumpets and in da mashedy tatoes and fings like dat. I doesn't get toasts OW cwumpets OW mashedy tatoes half as much as I shoulds, so Iz no expewt in da buttew-depawtments, except fow what Iz obsewbed in passings.

Dey keeps da buttew in dis speshul cage fow buttew-cwiminals:

 

Dis mowning Mudda used de las' ob da buttew in da buttew cage on hew fwuit toast and shee washed be buttew cage and left it to dwy on da dwainew.

Shee left da noo packet ob buttew on de sideboawd to softens whilst da buttew cage was dwying and went off to doo somefings in de udda woom, leabing da buttew fwee to escape if it wanted!!!

It did want to escape. It did unwrap itself and some ob it did wanish. Maybee mowe ob it would hab escaped if Mudda had not comes back den and caught meez appwehending da buttew-cwiminal. Wid mee mouf.

Unfowtunatelys, da buttew-cwiminal weceibed some injuwies in de couwse ob de awwest in de fowm ob bite mawks and had to beez sent to da bin-hospital to wecobew. And my effowts....my effowts in keepings da kitchun sayfe fwom buttew-cwiminals went unwecognised. But Iz no do dis job fow da pwaise, da giwls, da monies...Iz do it to keep da kitchuns sayfe.

So until next time...watch yoos backs. And yoos buttews.

A Food-Lubbews Guide To Fwuit....

Iz been food cwitiquing pwofessionally fow awound 20 monfs now, since I came to lib wiff Mudda. Today Iz will be discussing da fwuits and wegetables Iz sampled fow da benefit ob meez weadews. If yoos would like to discuss hiwing meez as a fweelance cwitique ow witew fow de Sunday suppliments ow somefings like dis, pwease peemail meez diwectly to discuss. Meez wates is weasonable but mee no wowk long houws.

So, hewe iss de list ob da fwuits and wegetables Iz twied:

• Apple. Cwisp and wefweshing. A fiwm, cwunchee fwuit dat has a tangy, sometimes tawt flabouw. Often serbed wiff gwapes and cheese ow on it's own.

Disgustin'. Iz wouldn't eben lick it. I snifftied it den gab Mudda da stink eye and went back to meez nap.

• Awacado. Fiwm textuwe. Cweamy, nutty tayste. Often serbed wiff salad ow filled wiff pwawn and mayonnaise by people in de eawly 90s.

Sniffed it, licked it, went back to sleep. Would hab eated da pwawns and mayonnaise dough, if dey'd been dere.

• Banananananananana (dwied). Cwunchee and sweet. Comes in a bag wiff udda dwied fwuit. Serbed by yoos Mudda, whilst shees pickin' out da waisins because weez no allowed dem.

Nice. Because it's dwied, iss not dat obwious iss actually fwuit. Iz quite happee to munch dis.

• Bwocolli (waw ow steamed/boiled). Cwisp and cwunchee when waw, slightly softew when cooked (unless gwanma habs cooked it, den it similaw consistancy to sooop).

BLUUURGH!!! GWEEN FINGS!!! Serb dis food and hexpect da stink-eye!!!!

• Cawwot (waw ow steamed/boiled). Dere owange and wabbits eat dem.

Iz no a wabbit.

• Cauliflowew. Dese look like clouds, but deys not. Often serbed wiff cheezy sauwce iff yoos lucky.

Wiff caweful pwactice, yoos can actually lick ALL ob da cheezy sauwce off dese cloud-wegetables, wiffout habing to eat any ob da wegetables demself! Wunnerful!!

• Chewwies (fwesh and as chewy sweets in de shape ob). Sweet. Boff ob dem. I pwefew da ones dat iss jus' gummy sweet in de shape ob chewwies dough.

• Couwgette/mushwoom/peppews. Dese iss actually all da same wegetable, called da stiwfwy ow pasta-sauwce wegetable. Yoos will find dem in ebewy stiwfwy ow pasta sauwce mayde in dis house.

Wegawd ALL ob dem wiff suspicion. Doo NOT let any ob dem entew yoos mouf. Dey is all wevoltin'. Be pawticulawly wawy ob da mushwoom one, as dat one looks deceptibely like chickun when cobewed in sauce. Be on yoos gauwd fow dis.

• Cucumbew. Some salady fing ow somefing.

BLUUURGH!!! GWEEN FINGS!!!

• Figs (dwied and fwesh). Sweet and soft wiff seedy fings in dem.

Iz sniffed boff ob dese and was no suwe abot dem. Iz took da dwiedy one fwom mudda and gab it a good inbestigating and eben a couple ob chews, but den Iz spitted it owt. Conclusion: blurgh.

• Lettuce leabs (diffewent vawieties). See entwy fow cucumbew.  'Owwible.

• Lychees. Tayste a bit like flat lemonade. Look like eyeballs.

DEY LOOK LIKE EYEBALLS!!!! Iz no eatin' dese!!!!

• Mango. Bewy sweet. Still don't like it. Spitted it owt.

• Melon (Cantaloupe, Galia, Honeydew and Watewmelon). Sweet and bewy juicy. Often serbed wiff sand to small childwen on beaches. I don't like any ob dem.

• Papapapapapapaya (dwied). Sweet and soft. Often serbed in bweakfast ceweal.

Nice. Comes in de same bag as de dwied bananananana. Iss all nice in dat bag!!!

• Pineapple (fwesh and tinned). Sweet and juicy. Often serbed at childwen's pawties wiff cheeze on sticks dat awe stuck into huge potaytoes cobered in tin foil. Big in da 80s.

Top pawty tip: Tayke one cocktail sossidge and one cheeze and pineapple stick. Thwow da pineapple into da neawest bin/plant pot/laydees handbag yoos find and den eat da cheeze and da sossidge. Wepeat.

Don't eat da pineapple.

• Potaytoes. Best cut into chip-shapes and fwied and serbed wiff sossidges.

Iz a fan!

• Stwawbewwies. Sweet and juicy. Best serbed wiff cweam whilst peoples play tennis.

Dese awe hactually quite nice!!! Especially da sweetew wed ones wiff a bit ob sugaw on dem.

Top tip: eat dese wiff Mudda, not Daddee, as Mudda will pick owt all da weddest, sweetest ones and gib dem to yoos. Wiff Daddee, iss down to da luck ob da dwaw.

• Tomatoes. Salad fing. No.

• Yoguwt-cobered fwuit and nuts. Iss like nowmal dwied fwuit but cobewed in yoguwt. Most wecently serbed in a white paypew bag, stolen off Mudda's lap whilst shee was choking on a yoguwt-cobered bluebewwy.

Mawvellous!!! Best ate quicklys!!!!!!

What Time Iss De Mowning anyway?

Dey maykes de wules and den dey flaunts dem!!! Pfffffffffffft!

Dis iss de wules - Gunnah iss in de hooman bed in de mowning. De mowning.

Da wules was dat Gunnah iss in de hooman bed at de weekend in de mowning. And dat was ok. Befowe dat da wules was dat Gunnah does not come upstaiws - dat was tewwible. Awful. Iz neawly took meeself back to de wescoo and handed meeself in. Iz could bawely cope.

But den, da wules was discussed. And impwoved. And now da deal iss dat I comes in de bed in de mowning and hab cuddles dere at meez leasuwe. Dis happens when da mudda-dog waykes up at 6 ow somefing like dat. Da details iss no impowtants.

Dis mowning, Iz did bwing meeself upstaiws like I does to come into bed. Mudda had no come down to get mee, but Iz fort "No! I sabes hew da effowt!! Shee mee mudda, shee can welaxes in bed, Iz bwing meeself up.". So Iz did.

Da doow was no open so Iz cwied so dey woulds know iss time to let mee in and doo yo know what dey sed????

GOO AWAYS, ISS HALF PAS' THWEE IN DE MOWNING!!!!

Goo aways?!?!? Half past thwee in de mowning?!?!?

Iz no happee. Iz told dem dis. Iz 'specting an apolozies.

Goo aways.....pffffffffft!!!

Womance is no dead. Iffen it was, Iz would hab eated it.

Da following is a collection ob poems dat I did wite ober da weeks fow meez buttewcups, da lubs ob mee life, Daisy and Ella:

Pwincesses, I habs tuwned meez paws to poetwy to helps me thwough de week...and ob couwse yoos wewe me muses....

Dis life could dwive a dog mad
And dis wowld could dwive a dog cwazy
But no weason hab I to be sad
If I hab my Ella and Daisy

So I fink Iz da happiest hound
And I fink Iz a weal fowtunate fella
Yes I fink Iz da luckiest awound
Because I hab my Daisy and Ella

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Ah-ha-ha-hem! *Cleaws thwoat and folds out manuscript. Takes Shakespeawian stance, one paw waised to de skies*

Mee bootiful angels, mee sweet sugar-bells
Mee Bassets dat howl at de moon
Whilst woses whither and tulips fail
My buttewcups shine in full bloom

Yoos soft silken eaws, yoos hound-angel eyes
Yoos seashell pawsies dat stamp in de gloom
Wiolets smell sweet and sunflowers stand tall
But it's meez buttewcups dat shine in full bloom

*Takes bow*

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Buttercups, dis night spent wid you, ewerything seems more bootiful.....I hopes yoo no mind dat I dids writes yoo annuda poem...*stands up on hind legs in de gondola, paw in de air*

With de wind in our eaws and our eyes on da sky
Clasping paws as we glide through da fog
I look at my giwls and I know dat foreber
Yoo'll be my angels and I'll be your dog

I waise my head to de heabens wid me paw on me heart
And I does make my pwomise to god
That whilst de moon does owbit dis earth
Yoo'll be my angels and I'll be your dog

I eated chickun wings! Dey was waw and I eated dem!

Today mummee did feed me waw chickun wings, like what wolves and dinosauws eat.

Shee gab mee da usual soaked bizkwits fow meez dinnew (cept shee gab mee less den nowmal?!?! Less??? Less bizkwits??? Iss yoo mad woman????) but wight in de middle ob de bowl dere was dis pink chickun wing. It did no hab feafers...but it did also no hab cwispy skin....

I asked mudda how long shee did gwill it fow but shee did no gwill it.

I ask hew iffen shee did woast it, but shee no woast it.

I was suwpwised, but I assumes shee habs fwied it....shee sez shee no fwied it. She no spwinkled wiff owegano...shee no wubbed wiff buttew....she no done nuffin to it.

Dis iss a waw chickun wing.

Iz eated all da bizkwits fwom awound da edges ob mee bowl, until dere was jus' dis chickun wingie dere, lookin' up at mee. Iz picked up da wing, taked it to da middle woom and Iz put it down dere and walked awound it and looked at it. Iz had to check iffen it needed killing yoo see, because it did no hab owegano ow bweadcwumbs on it, so it might hab needed killing.

Iz touched it wiff my paw, to see iffen it twied to fly away, but it did not. Den I watched it fow a while, until mudda pwetended shee wanted to eat it hewself and picked it up and den I decided I wanted to eat it, so mummee gab it mee back. Iz twied to tayke it into da libing woom but mummee had shut da doow because shee didn't want mee to mayke da cawpet chickuny, so I went back and sat down in da middle woom and I cwunched and chomped on da wing and den I put it on da floow, all chomped up and wandewed off. Mummee pwetended shee wanted it again, so I took it off hew again and dis time I cwunched it and eated it all, because if I did not, mummee was going to.

Den mudda was weally happee because I eated somefing new, so shee gab mee anuffa one and dis one shee only had to pwetend shee wanted it once because I eated it much quicker den da fiwst and den I came in de libing woom and had a nap. Whilst I did dis, daddee watched Top Geaw and mummee mopped da floow in da middle woom and I dweamt about all da udda fings I would eat if I was a wolf ow a dinosauw.

When Yoos Need a Hewo....

Dis happened awound a week ago:
WE HABS A DANGEW SITUASHON!!! Mummee was eatin' some yoguwt-cobewed fwuit and nuts (da kind yoo gets fwom wholefood shops) and I did want some.

Mummee is gweedy and shee thwew a couple in hew mouf except one did stick in de back ob hew thwoat so shee stawted gaggin' and coffin'...I fort dat dewe was no way shee gonna want mowe yoguwty fwuits, so whilst shee doin' dat, I did dwag da bag off hewe knee and I did dispose ob dem. Fow hew own safety, ob couwse.

Shee was not bewy gwateful fow dis cawing gestuwe I mades and shee gibing mee da ebil eye now. Iz on my guawd.

Weez gonna go owt in da snow now so I wills keep mee eyes peeled in case shee twies to twap mee in an abalanche...

Da Pigs Eaw Heist....

Dis what happened: mudda did bwing me to da gwoomers for me baff and blow dry. At da gwoomers dere is a box ob pig eaws ON DA FLOOW and dey expects me not to help meself.

I did help meself.

Den I did hab me baff and me blow dwy and me nails twimmed and me botty glands hexpressed and I was spwayed wiff da doggy cologne (I asked for Sex Panther, not sure what dey gab me).
Den me mudda collected mee and dis time dey had mobed da pigs eaws onto da counter because me mudda asked dem to because I did help meself.

So I did swipe da box wiff me paws and knock it down. And I did help meself.

Iz da Pig Eaw Champion.

 

Da Extended wersion....

 

When we did go in and da box was on da floow, I did lunge and I gwabbed thwee, but I did dwop one, den mudda did wrestle anudder one out me chops, so I did honly manage to scarf da one - mudda twied to take dat one too but I was habing none ob it!!!

On da way out, when dey bwought me out of da gwooming room, dey had moved da box on to da counter, so I did wait until mudda was payin' and had her paw deep in her wallet, den I did stand on me hind leggies and use me big baboon-paws to swipe da box to da floow....da earsies did go EBERYWHERE!!!!

I gwabbed one and den I did wetweat to munch whilst mudda and da gwoomer did pick up da udder earsies...I did fink about cweeping back for anudder earsie whilst dey was pickin' dem up but mudda did gib me DAT LOOK and she said "Don't you dare Mister!!!!" in da SEWIOUS voice so I did decide to stick wiff da one I did alweady hab in me chops.

Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes....Pawt 4

Ding-Dong…tweak ow tweat. Gunners mommy opens the door to several children and hands out candy.

Evil cat in Ninja outfit goes unnotticed and slips through open door. While evil cat waits for all to go quiet she throws a fishing pole into tank with the strange creature in it.

... Once all goes quiet, Evil cat crawls over ninja style only to put ropes around all of Beagles legs. Beagle wakes not knowing what is going on and does not understand why he can not move.

“Hello Beagel!” Evil cat pulls out Ninja 2 shiney, silver swords from her back side. Evil cat begins to walk around Beagle swinging swords. 

 SWAP! Evil cat hits sword on Beagle butt. Gunner lets out a small yelp.

SWAP..SWAP..two more butt swaps. “Now Beagel I have come to show you how it’s gonna be.”

Evil cat begins swinging swords in the air as Beagel’s eyes grow wide. BONZAI!! Hiiiiiiyyyaaaaaaaa…Hiiiiiiyyyyyyaaaaaa…Hiiiiiyaaaaaaaaa. Hair begins to fly everywhere like a scence from Edward Scissors Hands. Hiiiiiiiiyyyyaaaaaaaa......Hiiiiiiiyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!MUAHAHAHAHAHA…let’s see what those chubby sisters of mine think of you now Beagel.

Evil cat has made Gunner completely naked except for the evil cat face carved into each side of him out of hair. “You shall be branded and walk the streets of Ham in shame with a kitty by your side at all times.” MUAHAHAHHAAHA. Evil cat disappers into the night.

*Gunner untangles himself and wuns to da miwwor....see's kitty-fur-do....emits a few vewy high pitched whines.....scwambles to baffwoom and pinches daddy's wazor....carefully shaves off the head of each puddytat on hims sides....den ties on bandana wound own Beagle-head wid picture of a bonsai twee on it....dere is a puddytat stuck in da bwanches of da bonsai.....*

Ok Puddytat....you might hab nine lives...(gestures at beheaded cats on his wibs)...but you jus' lost two of dem!!! Be pwepared....cos I'll see you in hell!!!! *Spins nun-chucks and does birdykick stance*.....BONSAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

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*Gunner sneaks into da Basset house, wearin' hims Bonsai bandana and a mini Beagle karate suite.....and hims karate black belt.....Japinese shamisen music tinkling in the background....

Skulks to da staircase and hurls a bucket of water down dem....den pulls out a can of fwozen nitwogen and spways, turning da stairs to a steep fwozen ice wink.

Hims shimmies into da libing woom.....see's Ashley da puddytat lyin' on da sofa, lookin' peaceful....pulls pack ob chopsticks out of pocket and den ties one to each of Ashley's paws....opens fwont door wide, den gently cawwies Ashley to da top step ob da thwee story stairs.*

ASHHHHHHHLEY!!!! Wake ups!!!!! I 'opes you likes extweme skiing!!!!! Bye bye puddytat!!!!!

*Weleases Ashley and watches as she does go gliding down da stairs at da speed of a bullet (a furry bullet, on chopstick ski's) and out da door into da wilderness* Bye bye!!!!!!!

Dis is Ashley wavin' bye-bye.

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire

Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes.....Pawt 3

Evil cat scrambles to get out of Napalm Beagel Butt Gas Helmet. *POP* Out falls Ashley with green gas filling up the room behind her. *hack..hack..hack* right before evil cat is about to faint she looks up and sees Elvis Beagel walking away and yells. War*cough..hack.*War!
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Pssssttt..Gunna! Weez don't know wut is goin on but dis Ninja cat hab been comin ober eber day and twainin evil cat for sumfin big.

I no like da look ob dis....Ashley, I's still watchin' you you know.....iffen it's Bwuce Bagel Lee yoo wants, it's Bwuce Bagel Lee you'll get.....mudda, fetch da nun-chucks.......HIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!


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Meowwww Beagel! I see those chubby sisters of mine have made you aware of my training with the Tabby Afro Samurai. The great one who trained at the Shuriken School of pussycats. BEWARE Doggie!! Muahhahahaha!!!!

Iz weady whens yoos weady puddytat....wax on....wax off....BONSAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire

Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes....Pawt 2

Mission Impossible music begins to play in the background. Du du dudu du du dudu dodo dodo do do....Evil cat crawls through open window and makes her way to sleeping Beagle. Out of the corner of her eye she sees a fish with arms?!? Decides that is for another day. Du du dudu du du dudu dodo dodo do do...sneaks up on sleeping doggie and ties a firecracker onto his tail. Lights firecracker fuse on fire and leaps out window. Muahahahahaha!!!!!! du du dudu du du dudu dodo dodo do do........*

Dis is de face and da collaw ob de enemy.

Du du dudu du du dudu du du du dudu du du...*Gunna awakes to da smell of smouldering fur...see's firecracker burning right down to the end of it's fuse...shrieks and rips firecracker off, hurling it in the kitchen crockery cupboard...puts on sunglasses and walks out of house in slow motion, with moody atmospheric lighting and opening bars to Rage Against Da Machine (Killing In Da Name) playing...the kitchen cupboard explodes behind him, shards of broken crockery flying everywhere....* I'm comin' for you cat....you best sleep with one eye open.....

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*Pulls up at da buttercups house on a gleaming motorbike, wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat (bearin a strikin wesemblance to Keano Weeves in Da Matrix)....does commando roll acwoss fwont yard and presses against da wall of da house...stealth-clambers up wall of house like spidey-man until at bedroom window...see's sleeping Ashley sprawled out on da pwincesses Coolaroo (DA NERB!!!!)...creeps through window and tiptoes ober to Ashley....wid one flick of da wrists, inverts da bed, forming a shell awound Ashley dats traps her...Gunna gwabs a deep sea divers helmet dat happens to be in da room and pushes it onto puddytat's head....he gwabs da attaching tube and holds it near hims nether-regions...den, an almighty dog-parp does ricochet down da tube, heading straight for Ashley's helmet...* Enjoy da air whilst you does hab it puddytat...I did eats some bwussel spwouts wid dinner last night....*Flicks up his collar and leaves da room, pausing only to look ober his shoulder and see a pea-green faced Ashley desperately scrabbling at da helmet...*

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire

Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes....Pawt 1:

I habs been takin' pawt in an ongoin' duel wiff da ebil feline sistew ob mee giwlfwiends...hew is de fiwst episode in de sewies:

Hello Beagle! I hear you have challenged me, the great one to a dual. I accept said dual and would like to introduce myself as Ashley. You may call me Ashley.

*Evil cat leaps toward Gunner to give him 4 swats on the face. She jumps on his back using it to leap off toward the top of the fridge. Kicks open Gunner's liver pot and eats all his liver. Evil cat leaps through the air and out the window shouting behind her....until we meet again little doggie.* MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

*Gunner awakens, disorientated, wid da smell of catnip in da air and a paw mark on his face...spies liber-crumb trail leading out the door....follows trail back ober da pond and into da garden of da Buttercups....

Ashley is lyin' on da gwass, lickin' hers paws...Gunner hides behind a tree and throws out a slice of snausage....Ashley is apparently vewy greedy as she leaps on it and gobbles it down.....Gunner throw anudda, dis one a bit closed to hims twee....den anudda, each leadin' closer to da twee, until Ashley just a metre away....den de hidden twap is activated, da twee bwanches does fly up and da net does too....Ashley is twapped in da net, hangin fwom da bwanches.....Gunner does sniff at her and den sticks out his tongue*....

Yous stuck fow now ebil cat....and yous mudda habs jus' served up da tuna!!! Daisy an' Ella, we habs tuna-dinns!!! Weez eatin' it in fwont of Ashley, so's she can smell it....no Ashley, you not swipe at me....yes it does smell nice.....oh no, Daisy and Ella did eats your bit.....bwhahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire.

Da Weekend And Iz Will Tell You Why Mudda Doesn't Like Mondays...

Dis is da weekends noos:

I did hab cuddles on da sofa wiff mummy on Satuwday mowning. Dis was bewy out of da owdinawy as when weez say mowning, we weally means da weal mowning and not what mudda nowmally calls mowning, which is about half past 1 in de aftynoon. Dis was about 10am, which is pwoper mowning. 

I was bewy snuggley and comfy but den mudda did luwe mee into da kitchen wiff a piece of chickun...and den she did whip mee coat and hawness on mee so quickly I didn'ts eben know it was happening!

Den she did dwagged me owt and ober da fields and it was fwosty and I did meet up wiff mee two Schnauzer mates and wee did all gang up on mummy and jump up hew and steal da tweats fwom hew pocket and I did get mud all ober hew including on hew new coat and mittens and she was no happy.

Me and mee Schnauzer pals was happy dough because wee had da tweats and shee did not.

Den wee did meet two tewwiors called Mawio and Billy and I habs neber met dem before but wee did make fwiends bewy quickly and wee was wunning and playing and it was gweat fun. Mawio was bewy pweasd to meets mee and he did keep twying to do womantic fings to mee and I was confused and it made me excited and so I did jump up mummy again eben dough shee was still no happy fwom da fiwst time.

Den wee did come home and on da way back, wee saw a lady wee know called Kate who does hab fwee pet Dobewmans (deys much bigger den mee) and she was in hew caw and hew wegistwation plate did say dis: K8 DOBE and mummy sez dat was bewy cleber.

On Sunday, eberyfing was quite unewentful - mudda did buy me da bacons nylabone fwom da Pets At Home and I did take it fwom hew and put it on da floow and I has not touched it since :-(. Mudda fort I might not like it, bah humbug, so wee wills gib it to cousin Alfie instead, because hims will chew anyfing.

Mudda twied biting meez nylabone hewself and she said eben dough sheez a wegetablist, shee knows it doesn't taste like bacons, it tastes like plastics!!! Mummy sez da weason shee did hab to bite meez bone is becos it did look so plasticky, shee habs to see what it tastes like becos it did not look like it could taste like bacons.

And it did not.


Today is now da Monday and mudda is bewy cwoss because she did neawly poison us all wid plastic foomes and den she did hab to eat pizza and dat means she'll be a fatty bum-bum foweber.


Let meez helabowate:

Dis mowning, daddy did take out hims sammichbox and it did hab a sammich left in it dat had been in hims bag since Satuwday. Hims was going to thwow it away but mummy did say to keep it because she can feed it to a wowms dat she does keep in da Family Ciwcle bizkwit tub (dere is a weason but dis is no da time ow da place).

Hims put it on da side but mummy did say "No, not put it dere, DA DOG wills steal it whilst weez at wowk!" and den she did put da box in de oben....weez no know why she put it in de oben. Weez habs intewigated hewe and wee still no know why, da honly weason she can gib is dat it bewy eawly and hew does get confoosed when it so eawly.

Aftew coming home and aftew meez ebening walk, mudda did decide to cook da dinnew and SHE DID TUWN ON DA OBEN TO HEAT UP.

AND IT DID HEAT UP.

Mudda did notice when da stink ob plastic did ewade hew snooter and she was most cwoss because da sammich tub was melted out ober thwee shelfs and she did open all da windows and it was bewy cold. Because shee could no cook da dinnew now, hew and daddy did owdew da pizza and wee finks dats da silber lining but mummy was cwoss about dat too.

She was not so cwoss dat she gab me a piece dough.

Dis is de end ob meez post. Fank yoo fow weading and hewe is a pictuwe ob mee in an ex USSR militawy hat.

Good ebenings.

Da Wandewer Weturns

Gweetings and salutations!

I habs been away fow a bewy long time and I habs much to weport.

Fiwstly, as weported pweviously, meez blog does do hiding fwom mee. Mee looks fow it and mee can no find it - Iz told Mudda to get down da Polytechnic to gets compooter litewate, but sheez no done dis.

Howeber!!! Weez habs finally cwacked de compooter's twickiness and weez twacked down mee blog! But it's been a long time since meez las' entwy and I habs had many adwentuwes so mee next few blogs will bee catchings up on dem adwentuwes:

Wecently, mee did hab a spot ob boffer wid me cousin Alfie; mee was a bad boy, mudda sez so.

Alfie was outside doing da wee. And I did want da wee too. So I did cock meez leggie and do da wee in Alfie's face.

Mudda was no happy.

Alfie  was eben less happy.

Mee weported dis to meez pals on da Facebook and dey said dat was mean ob mee, but it was no mean. I did need da wee too, hims not da only one dat needed da wee. And Mudda did shout at mee "YOU STOPPIT YOUS DIWTY BEAGLE!!!!!!!" and dats not bewy nice to shout dat in da gawden, where da neighbours could heaw. Not bewy nice at all.

Fank yous fow weading and hewe is a pictuwe ob me and Alfie - hims looks like Chewbacca when Chewbacca does do shouting.

Good ebenings.