A Food-Lubbews Guide To Fwuit....

Iz been food cwitiquing pwofessionally fow awound 20 monfs now, since I came to lib wiff Mudda. Today Iz will be discussing da fwuits and wegetables Iz sampled fow da benefit ob meez weadews. If yoos would like to discuss hiwing meez as a fweelance cwitique ow witew fow de Sunday suppliments ow somefings like dis, pwease peemail meez diwectly to discuss. Meez wates is weasonable but mee no wowk long houws.

So, hewe iss de list ob da fwuits and wegetables Iz twied:

• Apple. Cwisp and wefweshing. A fiwm, cwunchee fwuit dat has a tangy, sometimes tawt flabouw. Often serbed wiff gwapes and cheese ow on it's own.

Disgustin'. Iz wouldn't eben lick it. I snifftied it den gab Mudda da stink eye and went back to meez nap.

• Awacado. Fiwm textuwe. Cweamy, nutty tayste. Often serbed wiff salad ow filled wiff pwawn and mayonnaise by people in de eawly 90s.

Sniffed it, licked it, went back to sleep. Would hab eated da pwawns and mayonnaise dough, if dey'd been dere.

• Banananananananana (dwied). Cwunchee and sweet. Comes in a bag wiff udda dwied fwuit. Serbed by yoos Mudda, whilst shees pickin' out da waisins because weez no allowed dem.

Nice. Because it's dwied, iss not dat obwious iss actually fwuit. Iz quite happee to munch dis.

• Bwocolli (waw ow steamed/boiled). Cwisp and cwunchee when waw, slightly softew when cooked (unless gwanma habs cooked it, den it similaw consistancy to sooop).

BLUUURGH!!! GWEEN FINGS!!! Serb dis food and hexpect da stink-eye!!!!

• Cawwot (waw ow steamed/boiled). Dere owange and wabbits eat dem.

Iz no a wabbit.

• Cauliflowew. Dese look like clouds, but deys not. Often serbed wiff cheezy sauwce iff yoos lucky.

Wiff caweful pwactice, yoos can actually lick ALL ob da cheezy sauwce off dese cloud-wegetables, wiffout habing to eat any ob da wegetables demself! Wunnerful!!

• Chewwies (fwesh and as chewy sweets in de shape ob). Sweet. Boff ob dem. I pwefew da ones dat iss jus' gummy sweet in de shape ob chewwies dough.

• Couwgette/mushwoom/peppews. Dese iss actually all da same wegetable, called da stiwfwy ow pasta-sauwce wegetable. Yoos will find dem in ebewy stiwfwy ow pasta sauwce mayde in dis house.

Wegawd ALL ob dem wiff suspicion. Doo NOT let any ob dem entew yoos mouf. Dey is all wevoltin'. Be pawticulawly wawy ob da mushwoom one, as dat one looks deceptibely like chickun when cobewed in sauce. Be on yoos gauwd fow dis.

• Cucumbew. Some salady fing ow somefing.

BLUUURGH!!! GWEEN FINGS!!!

• Figs (dwied and fwesh). Sweet and soft wiff seedy fings in dem.

Iz sniffed boff ob dese and was no suwe abot dem. Iz took da dwiedy one fwom mudda and gab it a good inbestigating and eben a couple ob chews, but den Iz spitted it owt. Conclusion: blurgh.

• Lettuce leabs (diffewent vawieties). See entwy fow cucumbew.  'Owwible.

• Lychees. Tayste a bit like flat lemonade. Look like eyeballs.

DEY LOOK LIKE EYEBALLS!!!! Iz no eatin' dese!!!!

• Mango. Bewy sweet. Still don't like it. Spitted it owt.

• Melon (Cantaloupe, Galia, Honeydew and Watewmelon). Sweet and bewy juicy. Often serbed wiff sand to small childwen on beaches. I don't like any ob dem.

• Papapapapapapaya (dwied). Sweet and soft. Often serbed in bweakfast ceweal.

Nice. Comes in de same bag as de dwied bananananana. Iss all nice in dat bag!!!

• Pineapple (fwesh and tinned). Sweet and juicy. Often serbed at childwen's pawties wiff cheeze on sticks dat awe stuck into huge potaytoes cobered in tin foil. Big in da 80s.

Top pawty tip: Tayke one cocktail sossidge and one cheeze and pineapple stick. Thwow da pineapple into da neawest bin/plant pot/laydees handbag yoos find and den eat da cheeze and da sossidge. Wepeat.

Don't eat da pineapple.

• Potaytoes. Best cut into chip-shapes and fwied and serbed wiff sossidges.

Iz a fan!

• Stwawbewwies. Sweet and juicy. Best serbed wiff cweam whilst peoples play tennis.

Dese awe hactually quite nice!!! Especially da sweetew wed ones wiff a bit ob sugaw on dem.

Top tip: eat dese wiff Mudda, not Daddee, as Mudda will pick owt all da weddest, sweetest ones and gib dem to yoos. Wiff Daddee, iss down to da luck ob da dwaw.

• Tomatoes. Salad fing. No.

• Yoguwt-cobered fwuit and nuts. Iss like nowmal dwied fwuit but cobewed in yoguwt. Most wecently serbed in a white paypew bag, stolen off Mudda's lap whilst shee was choking on a yoguwt-cobered bluebewwy.

Mawvellous!!! Best ate quicklys!!!!!!