Iss Been a Busy One...

Today I 'as had de mos' busy day Iz ebew had in all mee seben yeaws. Iss bawely beliebable.

Da day stawted wiff da Buttew Heist Incidents. Mee cannot go into too much details hewe until de indiwual's family habs been notified. But dere was a fatality. A buttew-fatality. Pwease click on de link fow mowe details:

Den mee went to da gwoomews wiff Mummee and da weceptionist dere has a Beagle dat comes to wowk wiff hew, so weez said hi to eachudda. Weez twied to get a foto wiff hew in focus but sheez was faw too intewested in sniffin meez botty. Iss a nice botty dough, weez can no blame hew.

 
Whilst I was at de gwoomews, Mudda went to da flowew shop to buy some flowews fow meez Gwan (Daddee's Mudda) and dere was two bewy fat men-flowists dere. Whilst dey was mayking up da bouquet, dey was singing songs fwom Moosicals, until dey boff got cawwied away and ended wabing dey hands in de aiw, one ob dem on a chaiw, sewenading mudda wiff "I Dweamed A Dweam" fwom Les Misewablés (pwonounced "Lay Mis-err-rar-blay"...unless yoos mee Daddeez, den iss pwonounced "Lez (like Lesley) Mis-rab-bulls"....Les Miserables, hewe to fix yoos leaky taps!!! Meez Daddeez iss a funnee man...:-/).

Anyway, aftew dey had finished da singin', dey mayde quite a nice flowew-fing:

Den Mudda came and fetched meez and Iz was soopew-fluffee and bouffants: 
 

Den weez got da bus home and mee got fussed by an old laydee and some men from Da Chuwch Ob Mowmon (dey was all weawing matching clothes and dey had name badges on). Mudda told dem Iz was goin to da Willows and about meez poowly eye and da Mowmon-men did a pwayew fow mee and meez poowly eye!!! On da bus!!! It was fwuity-loops!!!

Weez got home and den weez dwobe to Biwminghams to da eye speshulist and sheez sed mee eye iss much beddew, da wedness is neawly all gone and dey blistews iss ALL GONE!!!

Hewe iss a foto ob meez eye, pwease ignowe da haiw on meez eyeball!!
Dis it now:

Dis it befowe:
 

Aftew meez appointment, while mudda was signin' de fowms at de weception, a man comes up and asks meez Gwan-in-law if dey can film us whilst weez sat waitin fow Mudda!!! Mee too!!!

Gwan said yes, so dey did a liddle intewvoo wiff hew and mee, fow a pilot fow a show dat might bee on da BBCs!!!!

Dey asked Gwan some questions and Iz sat dere lookin like a film-staw, except Iz was excited, so Iz dwibbled a bit and meez lipstick came owt. Jus' like Bwad Pitts and Johnny Depps when deys intewvooed. Unfowtunately, Mudda was too excited to tayke fotos, but if da show goes on da telly, mee won't need hew as mee fotogwaphew, da pappywazzi will catch meez ebewy mobe.

Aftew all dis excitements, Iz was mowe den weady to goo home and when Iz finally got back, Mudda suwpwised meez wiff dis toy fow being such a good boy today (except fow da Buttew Incident)...and because shee no want meez to fowget hew when meez famous...
 

It was a bewy busy day.

EXTWA!! EXTWA!! WEAD ALL ABOUT IT!!! BUTTEW HEIST AT NOON!!!

Da back stowy:

Mudda and Daddee put buttew on dey toasts and dey cwumpets and in da mashedy tatoes and fings like dat. I doesn't get toasts OW cwumpets OW mashedy tatoes half as much as I shoulds, so Iz no expewt in da buttew-depawtments, except fow what Iz obsewbed in passings.

Dey keeps da buttew in dis speshul cage fow buttew-cwiminals:

 

Dis mowning Mudda used de las' ob da buttew in da buttew cage on hew fwuit toast and shee washed be buttew cage and left it to dwy on da dwainew.

Shee left da noo packet ob buttew on de sideboawd to softens whilst da buttew cage was dwying and went off to doo somefings in de udda woom, leabing da buttew fwee to escape if it wanted!!!

It did want to escape. It did unwrap itself and some ob it did wanish. Maybee mowe ob it would hab escaped if Mudda had not comes back den and caught meez appwehending da buttew-cwiminal. Wid mee mouf.

Unfowtunatelys, da buttew-cwiminal weceibed some injuwies in de couwse ob de awwest in de fowm ob bite mawks and had to beez sent to da bin-hospital to wecobew. And my effowts....my effowts in keepings da kitchun sayfe fwom buttew-cwiminals went unwecognised. But Iz no do dis job fow da pwaise, da giwls, da monies...Iz do it to keep da kitchuns sayfe.

So until next time...watch yoos backs. And yoos buttews.

A Food-Lubbews Guide To Fwuit....

Iz been food cwitiquing pwofessionally fow awound 20 monfs now, since I came to lib wiff Mudda. Today Iz will be discussing da fwuits and wegetables Iz sampled fow da benefit ob meez weadews. If yoos would like to discuss hiwing meez as a fweelance cwitique ow witew fow de Sunday suppliments ow somefings like dis, pwease peemail meez diwectly to discuss. Meez wates is weasonable but mee no wowk long houws.

So, hewe iss de list ob da fwuits and wegetables Iz twied:

• Apple. Cwisp and wefweshing. A fiwm, cwunchee fwuit dat has a tangy, sometimes tawt flabouw. Often serbed wiff gwapes and cheese ow on it's own.

Disgustin'. Iz wouldn't eben lick it. I snifftied it den gab Mudda da stink eye and went back to meez nap.

• Awacado. Fiwm textuwe. Cweamy, nutty tayste. Often serbed wiff salad ow filled wiff pwawn and mayonnaise by people in de eawly 90s.

Sniffed it, licked it, went back to sleep. Would hab eated da pwawns and mayonnaise dough, if dey'd been dere.

• Banananananananana (dwied). Cwunchee and sweet. Comes in a bag wiff udda dwied fwuit. Serbed by yoos Mudda, whilst shees pickin' out da waisins because weez no allowed dem.

Nice. Because it's dwied, iss not dat obwious iss actually fwuit. Iz quite happee to munch dis.

• Bwocolli (waw ow steamed/boiled). Cwisp and cwunchee when waw, slightly softew when cooked (unless gwanma habs cooked it, den it similaw consistancy to sooop).

BLUUURGH!!! GWEEN FINGS!!! Serb dis food and hexpect da stink-eye!!!!

• Cawwot (waw ow steamed/boiled). Dere owange and wabbits eat dem.

Iz no a wabbit.

• Cauliflowew. Dese look like clouds, but deys not. Often serbed wiff cheezy sauwce iff yoos lucky.

Wiff caweful pwactice, yoos can actually lick ALL ob da cheezy sauwce off dese cloud-wegetables, wiffout habing to eat any ob da wegetables demself! Wunnerful!!

• Chewwies (fwesh and as chewy sweets in de shape ob). Sweet. Boff ob dem. I pwefew da ones dat iss jus' gummy sweet in de shape ob chewwies dough.

• Couwgette/mushwoom/peppews. Dese iss actually all da same wegetable, called da stiwfwy ow pasta-sauwce wegetable. Yoos will find dem in ebewy stiwfwy ow pasta sauwce mayde in dis house.

Wegawd ALL ob dem wiff suspicion. Doo NOT let any ob dem entew yoos mouf. Dey is all wevoltin'. Be pawticulawly wawy ob da mushwoom one, as dat one looks deceptibely like chickun when cobewed in sauce. Be on yoos gauwd fow dis.

• Cucumbew. Some salady fing ow somefing.

BLUUURGH!!! GWEEN FINGS!!!

• Figs (dwied and fwesh). Sweet and soft wiff seedy fings in dem.

Iz sniffed boff ob dese and was no suwe abot dem. Iz took da dwiedy one fwom mudda and gab it a good inbestigating and eben a couple ob chews, but den Iz spitted it owt. Conclusion: blurgh.

• Lettuce leabs (diffewent vawieties). See entwy fow cucumbew.  'Owwible.

• Lychees. Tayste a bit like flat lemonade. Look like eyeballs.

DEY LOOK LIKE EYEBALLS!!!! Iz no eatin' dese!!!!

• Mango. Bewy sweet. Still don't like it. Spitted it owt.

• Melon (Cantaloupe, Galia, Honeydew and Watewmelon). Sweet and bewy juicy. Often serbed wiff sand to small childwen on beaches. I don't like any ob dem.

• Papapapapapapaya (dwied). Sweet and soft. Often serbed in bweakfast ceweal.

Nice. Comes in de same bag as de dwied bananananana. Iss all nice in dat bag!!!

• Pineapple (fwesh and tinned). Sweet and juicy. Often serbed at childwen's pawties wiff cheeze on sticks dat awe stuck into huge potaytoes cobered in tin foil. Big in da 80s.

Top pawty tip: Tayke one cocktail sossidge and one cheeze and pineapple stick. Thwow da pineapple into da neawest bin/plant pot/laydees handbag yoos find and den eat da cheeze and da sossidge. Wepeat.

Don't eat da pineapple.

• Potaytoes. Best cut into chip-shapes and fwied and serbed wiff sossidges.

Iz a fan!

• Stwawbewwies. Sweet and juicy. Best serbed wiff cweam whilst peoples play tennis.

Dese awe hactually quite nice!!! Especially da sweetew wed ones wiff a bit ob sugaw on dem.

Top tip: eat dese wiff Mudda, not Daddee, as Mudda will pick owt all da weddest, sweetest ones and gib dem to yoos. Wiff Daddee, iss down to da luck ob da dwaw.

• Tomatoes. Salad fing. No.

• Yoguwt-cobered fwuit and nuts. Iss like nowmal dwied fwuit but cobewed in yoguwt. Most wecently serbed in a white paypew bag, stolen off Mudda's lap whilst shee was choking on a yoguwt-cobered bluebewwy.

Mawvellous!!! Best ate quicklys!!!!!!

What Time Iss De Mowning anyway?

Dey maykes de wules and den dey flaunts dem!!! Pfffffffffffft!

Dis iss de wules - Gunnah iss in de hooman bed in de mowning. De mowning.

Da wules was dat Gunnah iss in de hooman bed at de weekend in de mowning. And dat was ok. Befowe dat da wules was dat Gunnah does not come upstaiws - dat was tewwible. Awful. Iz neawly took meeself back to de wescoo and handed meeself in. Iz could bawely cope.

But den, da wules was discussed. And impwoved. And now da deal iss dat I comes in de bed in de mowning and hab cuddles dere at meez leasuwe. Dis happens when da mudda-dog waykes up at 6 ow somefing like dat. Da details iss no impowtants.

Dis mowning, Iz did bwing meeself upstaiws like I does to come into bed. Mudda had no come down to get mee, but Iz fort "No! I sabes hew da effowt!! Shee mee mudda, shee can welaxes in bed, Iz bwing meeself up.". So Iz did.

Da doow was no open so Iz cwied so dey woulds know iss time to let mee in and doo yo know what dey sed????

GOO AWAYS, ISS HALF PAS' THWEE IN DE MOWNING!!!!

Goo aways?!?!? Half past thwee in de mowning?!?!?

Iz no happee. Iz told dem dis. Iz 'specting an apolozies.

Goo aways.....pffffffffft!!!

Womance is no dead. Iffen it was, Iz would hab eated it.

Da following is a collection ob poems dat I did wite ober da weeks fow meez buttewcups, da lubs ob mee life, Daisy and Ella:

Pwincesses, I habs tuwned meez paws to poetwy to helps me thwough de week...and ob couwse yoos wewe me muses....

Dis life could dwive a dog mad
And dis wowld could dwive a dog cwazy
But no weason hab I to be sad
If I hab my Ella and Daisy

So I fink Iz da happiest hound
And I fink Iz a weal fowtunate fella
Yes I fink Iz da luckiest awound
Because I hab my Daisy and Ella

________________________________________________________________

Ah-ha-ha-hem! *Cleaws thwoat and folds out manuscript. Takes Shakespeawian stance, one paw waised to de skies*

Mee bootiful angels, mee sweet sugar-bells
Mee Bassets dat howl at de moon
Whilst woses whither and tulips fail
My buttewcups shine in full bloom

Yoos soft silken eaws, yoos hound-angel eyes
Yoos seashell pawsies dat stamp in de gloom
Wiolets smell sweet and sunflowers stand tall
But it's meez buttewcups dat shine in full bloom

*Takes bow*

___________________________________________________________________

Buttercups, dis night spent wid you, ewerything seems more bootiful.....I hopes yoo no mind dat I dids writes yoo annuda poem...*stands up on hind legs in de gondola, paw in de air*

With de wind in our eaws and our eyes on da sky
Clasping paws as we glide through da fog
I look at my giwls and I know dat foreber
Yoo'll be my angels and I'll be your dog

I waise my head to de heabens wid me paw on me heart
And I does make my pwomise to god
That whilst de moon does owbit dis earth
Yoo'll be my angels and I'll be your dog

I eated chickun wings! Dey was waw and I eated dem!

Today mummee did feed me waw chickun wings, like what wolves and dinosauws eat.

Shee gab mee da usual soaked bizkwits fow meez dinnew (cept shee gab mee less den nowmal?!?! Less??? Less bizkwits??? Iss yoo mad woman????) but wight in de middle ob de bowl dere was dis pink chickun wing. It did no hab feafers...but it did also no hab cwispy skin....

I asked mudda how long shee did gwill it fow but shee did no gwill it.

I ask hew iffen shee did woast it, but shee no woast it.

I was suwpwised, but I assumes shee habs fwied it....shee sez shee no fwied it. She no spwinkled wiff owegano...shee no wubbed wiff buttew....she no done nuffin to it.

Dis iss a waw chickun wing.

Iz eated all da bizkwits fwom awound da edges ob mee bowl, until dere was jus' dis chickun wingie dere, lookin' up at mee. Iz picked up da wing, taked it to da middle woom and Iz put it down dere and walked awound it and looked at it. Iz had to check iffen it needed killing yoo see, because it did no hab owegano ow bweadcwumbs on it, so it might hab needed killing.

Iz touched it wiff my paw, to see iffen it twied to fly away, but it did not. Den I watched it fow a while, until mudda pwetended shee wanted to eat it hewself and picked it up and den I decided I wanted to eat it, so mummee gab it mee back. Iz twied to tayke it into da libing woom but mummee had shut da doow because shee didn't want mee to mayke da cawpet chickuny, so I went back and sat down in da middle woom and I cwunched and chomped on da wing and den I put it on da floow, all chomped up and wandewed off. Mummee pwetended shee wanted it again, so I took it off hew again and dis time I cwunched it and eated it all, because if I did not, mummee was going to.

Den mudda was weally happee because I eated somefing new, so shee gab mee anuffa one and dis one shee only had to pwetend shee wanted it once because I eated it much quicker den da fiwst and den I came in de libing woom and had a nap. Whilst I did dis, daddee watched Top Geaw and mummee mopped da floow in da middle woom and I dweamt about all da udda fings I would eat if I was a wolf ow a dinosauw.

When Yoos Need a Hewo....

Dis happened awound a week ago:
WE HABS A DANGEW SITUASHON!!! Mummee was eatin' some yoguwt-cobewed fwuit and nuts (da kind yoo gets fwom wholefood shops) and I did want some.

Mummee is gweedy and shee thwew a couple in hew mouf except one did stick in de back ob hew thwoat so shee stawted gaggin' and coffin'...I fort dat dewe was no way shee gonna want mowe yoguwty fwuits, so whilst shee doin' dat, I did dwag da bag off hewe knee and I did dispose ob dem. Fow hew own safety, ob couwse.

Shee was not bewy gwateful fow dis cawing gestuwe I mades and shee gibing mee da ebil eye now. Iz on my guawd.

Weez gonna go owt in da snow now so I wills keep mee eyes peeled in case shee twies to twap mee in an abalanche...