Womance is no dead. Iffen it was, Iz would hab eated it.

Da following is a collection ob poems dat I did wite ober da weeks fow meez buttewcups, da lubs ob mee life, Daisy and Ella:

Pwincesses, I habs tuwned meez paws to poetwy to helps me thwough de week...and ob couwse yoos wewe me muses....

Dis life could dwive a dog mad
And dis wowld could dwive a dog cwazy
But no weason hab I to be sad
If I hab my Ella and Daisy

So I fink Iz da happiest hound
And I fink Iz a weal fowtunate fella
Yes I fink Iz da luckiest awound
Because I hab my Daisy and Ella

________________________________________________________________

Ah-ha-ha-hem! *Cleaws thwoat and folds out manuscript. Takes Shakespeawian stance, one paw waised to de skies*

Mee bootiful angels, mee sweet sugar-bells
Mee Bassets dat howl at de moon
Whilst woses whither and tulips fail
My buttewcups shine in full bloom

Yoos soft silken eaws, yoos hound-angel eyes
Yoos seashell pawsies dat stamp in de gloom
Wiolets smell sweet and sunflowers stand tall
But it's meez buttewcups dat shine in full bloom

*Takes bow*

___________________________________________________________________

Buttercups, dis night spent wid you, ewerything seems more bootiful.....I hopes yoo no mind dat I dids writes yoo annuda poem...*stands up on hind legs in de gondola, paw in de air*

With de wind in our eaws and our eyes on da sky
Clasping paws as we glide through da fog
I look at my giwls and I know dat foreber
Yoo'll be my angels and I'll be your dog

I waise my head to de heabens wid me paw on me heart
And I does make my pwomise to god
That whilst de moon does owbit dis earth
Yoo'll be my angels and I'll be your dog

I eated chickun wings! Dey was waw and I eated dem!

Today mummee did feed me waw chickun wings, like what wolves and dinosauws eat.

Shee gab mee da usual soaked bizkwits fow meez dinnew (cept shee gab mee less den nowmal?!?! Less??? Less bizkwits??? Iss yoo mad woman????) but wight in de middle ob de bowl dere was dis pink chickun wing. It did no hab feafers...but it did also no hab cwispy skin....

I asked mudda how long shee did gwill it fow but shee did no gwill it.

I ask hew iffen shee did woast it, but shee no woast it.

I was suwpwised, but I assumes shee habs fwied it....shee sez shee no fwied it. She no spwinkled wiff owegano...shee no wubbed wiff buttew....she no done nuffin to it.

Dis iss a waw chickun wing.

Iz eated all da bizkwits fwom awound da edges ob mee bowl, until dere was jus' dis chickun wingie dere, lookin' up at mee. Iz picked up da wing, taked it to da middle woom and Iz put it down dere and walked awound it and looked at it. Iz had to check iffen it needed killing yoo see, because it did no hab owegano ow bweadcwumbs on it, so it might hab needed killing.

Iz touched it wiff my paw, to see iffen it twied to fly away, but it did not. Den I watched it fow a while, until mudda pwetended shee wanted to eat it hewself and picked it up and den I decided I wanted to eat it, so mummee gab it mee back. Iz twied to tayke it into da libing woom but mummee had shut da doow because shee didn't want mee to mayke da cawpet chickuny, so I went back and sat down in da middle woom and I cwunched and chomped on da wing and den I put it on da floow, all chomped up and wandewed off. Mummee pwetended shee wanted it again, so I took it off hew again and dis time I cwunched it and eated it all, because if I did not, mummee was going to.

Den mudda was weally happee because I eated somefing new, so shee gab mee anuffa one and dis one shee only had to pwetend shee wanted it once because I eated it much quicker den da fiwst and den I came in de libing woom and had a nap. Whilst I did dis, daddee watched Top Geaw and mummee mopped da floow in da middle woom and I dweamt about all da udda fings I would eat if I was a wolf ow a dinosauw.

When Yoos Need a Hewo....

Dis happened awound a week ago:
WE HABS A DANGEW SITUASHON!!! Mummee was eatin' some yoguwt-cobewed fwuit and nuts (da kind yoo gets fwom wholefood shops) and I did want some.

Mummee is gweedy and shee thwew a couple in hew mouf except one did stick in de back ob hew thwoat so shee stawted gaggin' and coffin'...I fort dat dewe was no way shee gonna want mowe yoguwty fwuits, so whilst shee doin' dat, I did dwag da bag off hewe knee and I did dispose ob dem. Fow hew own safety, ob couwse.

Shee was not bewy gwateful fow dis cawing gestuwe I mades and shee gibing mee da ebil eye now. Iz on my guawd.

Weez gonna go owt in da snow now so I wills keep mee eyes peeled in case shee twies to twap mee in an abalanche...

Da Pigs Eaw Heist....

Dis what happened: mudda did bwing me to da gwoomers for me baff and blow dry. At da gwoomers dere is a box ob pig eaws ON DA FLOOW and dey expects me not to help meself.

I did help meself.

Den I did hab me baff and me blow dwy and me nails twimmed and me botty glands hexpressed and I was spwayed wiff da doggy cologne (I asked for Sex Panther, not sure what dey gab me).
Den me mudda collected mee and dis time dey had mobed da pigs eaws onto da counter because me mudda asked dem to because I did help meself.

So I did swipe da box wiff me paws and knock it down. And I did help meself.

Iz da Pig Eaw Champion.

 

Da Extended wersion....

 

When we did go in and da box was on da floow, I did lunge and I gwabbed thwee, but I did dwop one, den mudda did wrestle anudder one out me chops, so I did honly manage to scarf da one - mudda twied to take dat one too but I was habing none ob it!!!

On da way out, when dey bwought me out of da gwooming room, dey had moved da box on to da counter, so I did wait until mudda was payin' and had her paw deep in her wallet, den I did stand on me hind leggies and use me big baboon-paws to swipe da box to da floow....da earsies did go EBERYWHERE!!!!

I gwabbed one and den I did wetweat to munch whilst mudda and da gwoomer did pick up da udder earsies...I did fink about cweeping back for anudder earsie whilst dey was pickin' dem up but mudda did gib me DAT LOOK and she said "Don't you dare Mister!!!!" in da SEWIOUS voice so I did decide to stick wiff da one I did alweady hab in me chops.

Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes....Pawt 4

Ding-Dong…tweak ow tweat. Gunners mommy opens the door to several children and hands out candy.

Evil cat in Ninja outfit goes unnotticed and slips through open door. While evil cat waits for all to go quiet she throws a fishing pole into tank with the strange creature in it.

... Once all goes quiet, Evil cat crawls over ninja style only to put ropes around all of Beagles legs. Beagle wakes not knowing what is going on and does not understand why he can not move.

“Hello Beagel!” Evil cat pulls out Ninja 2 shiney, silver swords from her back side. Evil cat begins to walk around Beagle swinging swords. 

 SWAP! Evil cat hits sword on Beagle butt. Gunner lets out a small yelp.

SWAP..SWAP..two more butt swaps. “Now Beagel I have come to show you how it’s gonna be.”

Evil cat begins swinging swords in the air as Beagel’s eyes grow wide. BONZAI!! Hiiiiiiyyyaaaaaaaa…Hiiiiiiyyyyyyaaaaaa…Hiiiiiyaaaaaaaaa. Hair begins to fly everywhere like a scence from Edward Scissors Hands. Hiiiiiiiiyyyyaaaaaaaa......Hiiiiiiiyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!MUAHAHAHAHAHA…let’s see what those chubby sisters of mine think of you now Beagel.

Evil cat has made Gunner completely naked except for the evil cat face carved into each side of him out of hair. “You shall be branded and walk the streets of Ham in shame with a kitty by your side at all times.” MUAHAHAHHAAHA. Evil cat disappers into the night.

*Gunner untangles himself and wuns to da miwwor....see's kitty-fur-do....emits a few vewy high pitched whines.....scwambles to baffwoom and pinches daddy's wazor....carefully shaves off the head of each puddytat on hims sides....den ties on bandana wound own Beagle-head wid picture of a bonsai twee on it....dere is a puddytat stuck in da bwanches of da bonsai.....*

Ok Puddytat....you might hab nine lives...(gestures at beheaded cats on his wibs)...but you jus' lost two of dem!!! Be pwepared....cos I'll see you in hell!!!! *Spins nun-chucks and does birdykick stance*.....BONSAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

_______________________________________________________________

*Gunner sneaks into da Basset house, wearin' hims Bonsai bandana and a mini Beagle karate suite.....and hims karate black belt.....Japinese shamisen music tinkling in the background....

Skulks to da staircase and hurls a bucket of water down dem....den pulls out a can of fwozen nitwogen and spways, turning da stairs to a steep fwozen ice wink.

Hims shimmies into da libing woom.....see's Ashley da puddytat lyin' on da sofa, lookin' peaceful....pulls pack ob chopsticks out of pocket and den ties one to each of Ashley's paws....opens fwont door wide, den gently cawwies Ashley to da top step ob da thwee story stairs.*

ASHHHHHHHLEY!!!! Wake ups!!!!! I 'opes you likes extweme skiing!!!!! Bye bye puddytat!!!!!

*Weleases Ashley and watches as she does go gliding down da stairs at da speed of a bullet (a furry bullet, on chopstick ski's) and out da door into da wilderness* Bye bye!!!!!!!

Dis is Ashley wavin' bye-bye.

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire