Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes.....Pawt 3

Evil cat scrambles to get out of Napalm Beagel Butt Gas Helmet. *POP* Out falls Ashley with green gas filling up the room behind her. *hack..hack..hack* right before evil cat is about to faint she looks up and sees Elvis Beagel walking away and yells. War*cough..hack.*War!
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Pssssttt..Gunna! Weez don't know wut is goin on but dis Ninja cat hab been comin ober eber day and twainin evil cat for sumfin big.

I no like da look ob dis....Ashley, I's still watchin' you you know.....iffen it's Bwuce Bagel Lee yoo wants, it's Bwuce Bagel Lee you'll get.....mudda, fetch da nun-chucks.......HIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!


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Meowwww Beagel! I see those chubby sisters of mine have made you aware of my training with the Tabby Afro Samurai. The great one who trained at the Shuriken School of pussycats. BEWARE Doggie!! Muahhahahaha!!!!

Iz weady whens yoos weady puddytat....wax on....wax off....BONSAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire

Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes....Pawt 2

Mission Impossible music begins to play in the background. Du du dudu du du dudu dodo dodo do do....Evil cat crawls through open window and makes her way to sleeping Beagle. Out of the corner of her eye she sees a fish with arms?!? Decides that is for another day. Du du dudu du du dudu dodo dodo do do...sneaks up on sleeping doggie and ties a firecracker onto his tail. Lights firecracker fuse on fire and leaps out window. Muahahahahaha!!!!!! du du dudu du du dudu dodo dodo do do........*

Dis is de face and da collaw ob de enemy.

Du du dudu du du dudu du du du dudu du du...*Gunna awakes to da smell of smouldering fur...see's firecracker burning right down to the end of it's fuse...shrieks and rips firecracker off, hurling it in the kitchen crockery cupboard...puts on sunglasses and walks out of house in slow motion, with moody atmospheric lighting and opening bars to Rage Against Da Machine (Killing In Da Name) playing...the kitchen cupboard explodes behind him, shards of broken crockery flying everywhere....* I'm comin' for you cat....you best sleep with one eye open.....

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*Pulls up at da buttercups house on a gleaming motorbike, wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat (bearin a strikin wesemblance to Keano Weeves in Da Matrix)....does commando roll acwoss fwont yard and presses against da wall of da house...stealth-clambers up wall of house like spidey-man until at bedroom window...see's sleeping Ashley sprawled out on da pwincesses Coolaroo (DA NERB!!!!)...creeps through window and tiptoes ober to Ashley....wid one flick of da wrists, inverts da bed, forming a shell awound Ashley dats traps her...Gunna gwabs a deep sea divers helmet dat happens to be in da room and pushes it onto puddytat's head....he gwabs da attaching tube and holds it near hims nether-regions...den, an almighty dog-parp does ricochet down da tube, heading straight for Ashley's helmet...* Enjoy da air whilst you does hab it puddytat...I did eats some bwussel spwouts wid dinner last night....*Flicks up his collar and leaves da room, pausing only to look ober his shoulder and see a pea-green faced Ashley desperately scrabbling at da helmet...*

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire

Da Ebil Cat's Adwentuwes....Pawt 1:

I habs been takin' pawt in an ongoin' duel wiff da ebil feline sistew ob mee giwlfwiends...hew is de fiwst episode in de sewies:

Hello Beagle! I hear you have challenged me, the great one to a dual. I accept said dual and would like to introduce myself as Ashley. You may call me Ashley.

*Evil cat leaps toward Gunner to give him 4 swats on the face. She jumps on his back using it to leap off toward the top of the fridge. Kicks open Gunner's liver pot and eats all his liver. Evil cat leaps through the air and out the window shouting behind her....until we meet again little doggie.* MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

*Gunner awakens, disorientated, wid da smell of catnip in da air and a paw mark on his face...spies liber-crumb trail leading out the door....follows trail back ober da pond and into da garden of da Buttercups....

Ashley is lyin' on da gwass, lickin' hers paws...Gunner hides behind a tree and throws out a slice of snausage....Ashley is apparently vewy greedy as she leaps on it and gobbles it down.....Gunner throw anudda, dis one a bit closed to hims twee....den anudda, each leadin' closer to da twee, until Ashley just a metre away....den de hidden twap is activated, da twee bwanches does fly up and da net does too....Ashley is twapped in da net, hangin fwom da bwanches.....Gunner does sniff at her and den sticks out his tongue*....

Yous stuck fow now ebil cat....and yous mudda habs jus' served up da tuna!!! Daisy an' Ella, we habs tuna-dinns!!! Weez eatin' it in fwont of Ashley, so's she can smell it....no Ashley, you not swipe at me....yes it does smell nice.....oh no, Daisy and Ella did eats your bit.....bwhahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!

Da small pwint: No cats ow dogs wewe hawmed in de makin' ob Ebil Cat. All blue text pwovided by fweelance witers Daisy and Ella Bassets. All udda text pwovided by Gunner ob Beagleshire.

Da Weekend And Iz Will Tell You Why Mudda Doesn't Like Mondays...

Dis is da weekends noos:

I did hab cuddles on da sofa wiff mummy on Satuwday mowning. Dis was bewy out of da owdinawy as when weez say mowning, we weally means da weal mowning and not what mudda nowmally calls mowning, which is about half past 1 in de aftynoon. Dis was about 10am, which is pwoper mowning. 

I was bewy snuggley and comfy but den mudda did luwe mee into da kitchen wiff a piece of chickun...and den she did whip mee coat and hawness on mee so quickly I didn'ts eben know it was happening!

Den she did dwagged me owt and ober da fields and it was fwosty and I did meet up wiff mee two Schnauzer mates and wee did all gang up on mummy and jump up hew and steal da tweats fwom hew pocket and I did get mud all ober hew including on hew new coat and mittens and she was no happy.

Me and mee Schnauzer pals was happy dough because wee had da tweats and shee did not.

Den wee did meet two tewwiors called Mawio and Billy and I habs neber met dem before but wee did make fwiends bewy quickly and wee was wunning and playing and it was gweat fun. Mawio was bewy pweasd to meets mee and he did keep twying to do womantic fings to mee and I was confused and it made me excited and so I did jump up mummy again eben dough shee was still no happy fwom da fiwst time.

Den wee did come home and on da way back, wee saw a lady wee know called Kate who does hab fwee pet Dobewmans (deys much bigger den mee) and she was in hew caw and hew wegistwation plate did say dis: K8 DOBE and mummy sez dat was bewy cleber.

On Sunday, eberyfing was quite unewentful - mudda did buy me da bacons nylabone fwom da Pets At Home and I did take it fwom hew and put it on da floow and I has not touched it since :-(. Mudda fort I might not like it, bah humbug, so wee wills gib it to cousin Alfie instead, because hims will chew anyfing.

Mudda twied biting meez nylabone hewself and she said eben dough sheez a wegetablist, shee knows it doesn't taste like bacons, it tastes like plastics!!! Mummy sez da weason shee did hab to bite meez bone is becos it did look so plasticky, shee habs to see what it tastes like becos it did not look like it could taste like bacons.

And it did not.


Today is now da Monday and mudda is bewy cwoss because she did neawly poison us all wid plastic foomes and den she did hab to eat pizza and dat means she'll be a fatty bum-bum foweber.


Let meez helabowate:

Dis mowning, daddy did take out hims sammichbox and it did hab a sammich left in it dat had been in hims bag since Satuwday. Hims was going to thwow it away but mummy did say to keep it because she can feed it to a wowms dat she does keep in da Family Ciwcle bizkwit tub (dere is a weason but dis is no da time ow da place).

Hims put it on da side but mummy did say "No, not put it dere, DA DOG wills steal it whilst weez at wowk!" and den she did put da box in de oben....weez no know why she put it in de oben. Weez habs intewigated hewe and wee still no know why, da honly weason she can gib is dat it bewy eawly and hew does get confoosed when it so eawly.

Aftew coming home and aftew meez ebening walk, mudda did decide to cook da dinnew and SHE DID TUWN ON DA OBEN TO HEAT UP.

AND IT DID HEAT UP.

Mudda did notice when da stink ob plastic did ewade hew snooter and she was most cwoss because da sammich tub was melted out ober thwee shelfs and she did open all da windows and it was bewy cold. Because shee could no cook da dinnew now, hew and daddy did owdew da pizza and wee finks dats da silber lining but mummy was cwoss about dat too.

She was not so cwoss dat she gab me a piece dough.

Dis is de end ob meez post. Fank yoo fow weading and hewe is a pictuwe ob mee in an ex USSR militawy hat.

Good ebenings.

Da Wandewer Weturns

Gweetings and salutations!

I habs been away fow a bewy long time and I habs much to weport.

Fiwstly, as weported pweviously, meez blog does do hiding fwom mee. Mee looks fow it and mee can no find it - Iz told Mudda to get down da Polytechnic to gets compooter litewate, but sheez no done dis.

Howeber!!! Weez habs finally cwacked de compooter's twickiness and weez twacked down mee blog! But it's been a long time since meez las' entwy and I habs had many adwentuwes so mee next few blogs will bee catchings up on dem adwentuwes:

Wecently, mee did hab a spot ob boffer wid me cousin Alfie; mee was a bad boy, mudda sez so.

Alfie was outside doing da wee. And I did want da wee too. So I did cock meez leggie and do da wee in Alfie's face.

Mudda was no happy.

Alfie  was eben less happy.

Mee weported dis to meez pals on da Facebook and dey said dat was mean ob mee, but it was no mean. I did need da wee too, hims not da only one dat needed da wee. And Mudda did shout at mee "YOU STOPPIT YOUS DIWTY BEAGLE!!!!!!!" and dats not bewy nice to shout dat in da gawden, where da neighbours could heaw. Not bewy nice at all.

Fank yous fow weading and hewe is a pictuwe ob me and Alfie - hims looks like Chewbacca when Chewbacca does do shouting.

Good ebenings.